The Princess Bride: Mutant Movie Theaters
by ChicksDigTheFuzzyDude
Summary: Magneto serves Mystique, Sabertooth is defeated, Logan mumbles, and Kurt is a clergyman? And why does Remy want to kill Julien? And, for that matter, will Bobby ever get over being dressed in footie jammies? R&R.
1. Chapter 1

"O hai! Aria here. I've seen lotsa parodies of movies around the site, so Chicks an' I had to hop on the bandwagon with a parody of our own! An' my Mommy and Daddy are gonna be th' prince an' princess!" A short little white-haired girl, about 12, and dressed conspicuously in red and purple, sits in the director's chair. We see the X-Men and all the others standing around, many in costume. Aria lifts a megaphone. "And my castin' list is as follows:

Eric (Magneto) WESTLEY

Raven (Mystique) BUTTERCUP

Remy (Gambit) INIGO

Victor (Sabertooth) PRINCE HUMPERDINCK

Julien (AKA 'That random guy from the Rippers') COUNT RUGEN

Pietro (Quicksilver) VIZZINI

Fred (Blob) FEZZIK

Bobby (Iceman) THE KID

Hank (Beast) THE GRANDFATHER

Kurt (Nightcrawler) IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN

Jean (Phoenix) VALERIE

Todd (Toad) ALBINO

Scott (Cyclops) MIRACLE MAX

Aria ignores the grumbling of certain characters at their parts, or lack thereof, and bounces over to her father, pulling him into Costumes. Chicks, a girl with a strong resemblance to Mystique, sighs and grabs Bobby, hauling him to Makeup. "Make ze child look sick, she zaid... eazy vor you to zay, leetle girl..." Aria and a very handsome (and much younger somehow) Magneto come back out and Chicks places Bobby, now in very cute animal-print Pjs into a bed. Everyone else turns to look at Aria. "What? He picks on my Jamie!" she says haughtily. Said Multiple shows up with a drink tray, holding cocoa for him and Jukebox, and coffee for the poor, sugar-deprived authoress. "Action!" shouts Aria happily.

We fade in on a video game on a computer screen  
The game is in progress. As a sick coughing sound is heard. We then pan out to reveal Bobby lying in bed, coughing. Pale, one sick cookie. Maybe he's seven or eight or nine. "Hey!" snaps Bobby. "When did Forge de-age me?" "SCRIPT!" screams Aria, throwing one at him. He rubs his head and mumbles. He holds a remote in one hand, presses it, and the video game moves a little bit. Then he's hit by another spasm of coughing, puts the remote down.

His room is monochromatic, greys and blues, mildly high-tech. We're in the present day and this is a middle class house, somewhere in the suburbs. The door opens to reveal a much-aged Rogue as she enters, goes to him, fluffs his pillows, kisses him, and briefly feels his forehead. "Aww, Gawd! Wha do Ah hafta do this stuff? Wha not 'Ro?" "Cause Auntie 'Roro's the Queen!" snapped Aria. Rogue mumbles and goes back to the script. She's worried, it doesn't show.

"Ya feelin' any better?" she asks. "A little bit." replies Bobby. "Another kiss might help." "NOOOO!" shrieks Chicks. "No movie reverences! Nein! SCRIIIIIIIIIIIPT!" Rogue hits Bobby with the rolled-up script. "Guess what." she says as if nothing has happened. "What?" gripes Bobby, rubbing his head. "Your grandfather's here." replied Rogue, smiling at him. Bobby is clearly not happy. "Mom, can't you tell him that I'm sick?" he moans, although he smiles a bit at calling Rogue 'Mom'. "Yah are sick, that's why he's here." "He'll pinch my cheek. I hate that." complains Bobby truthfully. "Maybe he won't." soothes Rogue. Bobby gives her a 'yeah right' look.

Hank bursts into the room. Kind of rumpled. But the eyes are bright. He has a wrapped package tucked under one arm as be immediately goes to Bobby, and pinches his cheek. "Hey! How's the sickie? Heh?" he asks, although he obviously isn't enjoying it much.

Bobby gives Rogue an "I told you so" look. She ignores it and beats a retreat, with a quick "I think I'll leave you two pals." There is an awkward silence until Hank speaks. "I brought you a special present." Bobby is mildly interested. "What is it?" he asks, looking at Hank, who hands the package over. "Open it up." he says. So Bobby does. He does his best to smile. "A book?" he asks, clearly rather disappointed. Hank nods and smiles wisely. "That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today, I'm gonna read it to you." Bobby is doubtful until a thought occurs to him. "Has it got any sports in it?" Hank's eyes light up.

"Are you kidding? Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles." he says, with a rather wistful smile. Bobby shrugs and settles back into his pillow. "It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake." Hank rolls his eyes. "Oh. Well, thank you very much. It's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. All right. The Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern. Chapter One. Raven was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin." We dissolve to a beautiful English countryside scene, where a lovely blue girl in her late teens is riding a familiar-looking horse. "Amara?" Asks Tabby from offscreen. Hank's voice comes from all around, all echoey-like and mysterious. "Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Eric, but she never called him that. Isn't that a wonderful beginning?" "Yeah. It's really good." says Bobby sarcastically. Hank's voice continues. "Nothing gave Raven as much pleasure as ordering Eric around." Mystique smiled angelically. "You know it!" We cut to where Raven is standing, holding the reins of her horse, while in the background, Eric, in the stable doorway, looks at her. Raven is in her late teens; doesn't care much about clothes and she hates brushing her long hair, so she isn't as attractive as she might be, but she's still probably the most beautiful woman in the world. Cue derisive snorts from the men, which turn into 'oh!'s of surprise as she turns and they see her face for the first time. Suddenly, she speaks, with a sweet voice and a British accent. "Farm boy. Polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning." Eric smiled quietly to himself. "As you wish." He is perhaps half a dozen years older than Raven. And maybe as handsome as she is beautiful. He gazes at her as she walks away. "'As you wish' was all he ever said to her." We cut to Eric, outside, chopping wood. Raven drops two large buckets near him. "Farm Boy. Fill these with water --" He raises his eyes and stares her down. She is rather taken aback, and more than a bit nervous. "--please." she finishes meekly. "As you wish." was the only reply. She leaves, but his eyes stay on her. She stops, turns -- he manages to look away as now her eyes stay on him. Hank's voice rings out again. "That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, "As you wish," what he meant was, "I love you."" We cut to Raven in the kitchen, stirring something that smells incredible. Eric enters with an armload of firewood. Hank speaks again.

"And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back." Raven calls to Eric. "Farm Boy" she begins, but he stares at her and she adopts a deer-in-the-headlights expression, floundering to find something for him to do. "Fetch me that pitcher." He gets it, hands it to her; they are standing very close to each other gazing into each other's eyes. He says to her, very seriously, "As you wish." He turns and moves outside. Raven is left holding the pitcher and looking rather dazed. We cut to Raven and Eric, outside his tiny hovel in the red glow of sunset. They are locked in a passionate kiss. Bobby suddenly interrupts. "Hold it, hold it-" We cut back to his room, where Popsicle and his animal snuggies are glaring at Hank. "What is this? Are you trying to trick me? -- Where's the sports? -- Is this a kissing book?" he says the last with a rather frightened look. "Wait, just wait --" begins Hank, but Bobby interrupts again. "-- well, when does it get good?" Hank is exasperated. "Keep your shirt on. Let me read. Eric had no money for marriage. So he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea." We cut back to Florin, where Eric and Raven stand near the farm gate, locked in an embrace. "It was a very emotional time for Raven --" says Hank, but he is cut off as usual. "I don't be-leeve this." groaned the icecube. "I fear I'll never see you again." sniffled Raven. Eric comforts her, while the offstage cast try not to crack up at the sound of Mystique whimpering. She glares daggers at them "Emotionally distressed, Mozer." calls Chicks. Her face immediately becomes distraught again. Eric goes back to comforting her. "Of course you will." he soothes. Raven looks up at him, disbelieving. "But what if something happens to you?" Eric does his best to look brave, heroic and generally studly and pulls it off quite well for a seventy-year-old supervillan. "Hear this now: I will come for you." "Stalker!" coughs someone from offstage. There is a bang and the sound of flying metal. Raven shrugs and continues. "But how can you be sure?" Eric smiles at her. "This is true love. You think this happens every day?" He smiles at her, she smiles too, throws her arms so tightly around him. They kiss. Then as Eric walks away, Raven watches him go. "Aww, true love." cuts in Jean. "Between... Magneto and Mystique... euwww..." "Eric didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Xavier, who never left captives alive. When Raven got the news that Eric was murdered --" continued Hank, who was, of course, interrupted. "Murdered by pirates is good --" "Wait!" comes Scott's voice. "Xavier is the bad guy? Hey, virtually all the X-Men are bad guys! And the hero and heroine are Magneto and Mystique? What's going on he--" The bang and whirring metal are heard again. We cut to a close-up of Raven, staring out the window miserably. Hank's disembodied voice drones on. "She went into her room and shut the door. And for days, she neither slept nor ate." Raven speaks, emotionless and deadpan. "I will never love again." We linger on her face for a second, flawless and sad.

We then cut to the main courtyard of Florin replete with townspeople, livestock, and a bustling marketplace. Cue Hank's voice again! "Five years later, the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Sabertooth's bride-to be." We then show Prince Sabertooth, a man of incredible power and bearing, standing in his royal robes on a castle balcony. Three others standing behind him: an old couple with crowns, the aging King Logan and Queen Ororo, and a dark bearded man who seems the Prince's match in strength: this is Count Julien. Sabertooth begins to speak. "My people ... a month from now, our country will have its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves –" he pauses for a moment, giving the commoners a scathing glance. "-- but perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?" "YESSSSSSSSS!" roars the crowd. We show a giant staircase leading to the crowd and a figure just begins to become visible.

We show the crowd, who finally see the figure and draw in a collective breath. It is Raven, and she looks absolutely resplendent. Sabertooth waves a hand proudly. "My people ... the Princess Raven!!" She descends the stairs and starts to move amongst the people. The crowd does something very strange; they all suddenly sink to their knees, as though doing some twisted, reverse wave of reverence. Raven is obviously moved. She stands perfectly immobile among the people. We hold on her loveliness for a moment before fading out.

Aria jumps excitedly. "Woah! That was perfect! Mommy, you make such a pretty princess!" she squeals. "But I don' like Vic much… he's real mean." Chicks places a hand on her sister-muse's shoulder and sighs. "Vinally over. Please review, ve need eet! And vor an introduction to us two, please see mein account page… I hope you liked eet!"


	2. Chapter 2

**100SilverWings: **Oh, I'll go fix that. Thanks!

"'Lo agin! 'S me, an' my sis. We're back wit' th' second chapter of Th' Princess Bride, an' it's action time! Farm boy!" she calls, and Jamie runs up. "Fetch m' sis her coffee. She needs it." He stares at her and smiles. "As you wish." He runs off and returns with coffee for poor Chicks. "AAH! Hot, sveet salvation!" Pietro gives his half-sister an odd look. "Hey, we're finally getting to my part!" he says suddenly. "Wait, why would you kill me?" Aria shrugs. "People always like torturin' their fav'rite characters. My sis thinks you're awesome, so she tortures you. An' I torture you 'cause you're my brother! Now on wit' th' show! ACTION!"

We hear Hank's voice again, but we see Raven on her horse riding off into the distance. "Despite Sabertooth's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride." We see a lovely, quiet little forest glen, and Raven reigns in her horse sharply. A voice cuts in. "A word, my lady?" it asks, and we zoom out to show three men in odd costume, standing by the channel. Standing up front is a thin man with an angelic face. He looks deceptively innocent. He is a Romanian gypsy named Pietro. Beside him is a Cajun, standing tall and straight as a rapier. His name is Remy LeBeau. To Pietro's other side is a giat. His name is Fred. Pietro speaks again, and his voice carries a gentle hint of a lisp. "Wait, what?" he cuts in. "I don't lithp! Wait... AGH!" Aria chuckles darkly. "Script!" She throws it at Pietro. He returns to it, straining to keep his 's' recognizable. "We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?" Raven looks at him suspiciously. "There is nothing nearby; not for miles." she says gently. Pietro's smile gets wider. "Then there will be no one to hear you scream." He nods at Fred, who reaches up and pokes a nerve on Raven's neck. She passes out quickly. As she starts to fall off her horse, we cut out.

We show a small isolated spot at the edge of the channel where a small sailboat is moored. Remy climbs aboard and begins getting ready to cast off. Fred hauls the unconscious Raven aboard. Pietro cuts a small cloth scrap from an army jacket and tucks it into Amara's saddle. Remy looks at him curiously. "What is that you're ripping?" Pietro does not turn. "It's fabric from the uniform of an Army officer of Guilder." he responds. Fred looks confused. "Who's Guilder?" Pietro rolls his eyes and points straight out across the sea. "The country across the sea. The sworn enemy of Florin. Go!" He says the last while smacking the Amara-horse's rump. She runs off and Pietro boards the boat. He begins to scheme. "Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the Prince suspect the Guilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed." Fred looks rather alarmed. "You never said anything about killing anyone." he says concernedly. Pietro simply hops into the boat. "Old harpy deserves it..." He sees Chicks waving a rolled-up script threateningly. "I mean... I've hired you to help me start a war. That's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition." Fred still looks worried. "I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl."

Pietro whirls on Fred, snarling. "Am I going mad or did the word "think" escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass." Remy looks up from where he is tightening a rope. "I agree with Fred." Pietro turns red with rage. "Oh. The sot has spoken. What happens to her is not truly your concern -- I will kill her!" His voice grows louder. "And remember this -- never forget this!" He advances on the pair. Remy is unconcerned, but Fred shows fear at Pietro's approach. Pietro growls at Remy. "When I found you, you were so slobbering drunk you couldn't buy brandy!" He then rouds on Freddy. "And you -- friendless, brainless, helpless, _hopeless_ -- Do you want me to send you back to where you were, unemployed in Greenland?" He glares, then whirls around and leaves them. Fred is clearly distraught by the insults he's received.

Inigo prepares to cast off and mutters under his breath, "That Pietro, he can fuss." He emphasizes the last word. Fred repeats the word 'fuss' for a moment, then lights up. "I think he likes to scream at us." Remy smiles slightly. "Probably he means no harm." Fred laughs. "He's really very short on charm." Remy is proud. "Oh, you've a great gift for rhyme." he says encouragingly. "Yes, some of the time." replies Fred, who is now chuckling. Pietro whirls on them, irritated. "Enough of that." he barks. We show the boat sailing away. We hear Remy's voice. "Freddy, are there rocks ahead?" Now they are just doing it to annoy Pietro. "If there are, we'll all be dead." calls Fred. They have clearly suceeded, as Pietro begins to whine at them. "No more rhymes now, I mean it." Fred and Remy trade glances. "Anybody want a peanut?" calls out Fred. Pietro screams.

We cut to the sailboat at night, racing across the dark water. Remy is at the helm, Fred stands silently near Raven, whose eyelids are fluttering now and then, and Pietro has been forced to sit motionless for once in his life. He finally mutters to Remy, "We'll reach the Cliffs by dawn." Remy simply nods and glances behind him. Pietro raises an eyebrow. "Why are you doing that?" Remy shrugs. "Making sure nobody's following us." Pietro rolls his eyes rather huffily. "That would be inconceivable." Raven finally speaks. "Despite what you think, you will be caught. And when you are, the Prince will see you all hanged." she says rather haughtily. Pietro sneers at her. "Of all the necks on this boat, Highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own." Remy continues to stare out behind them. Pietro sighs. "Stop doing that. We can all relax, it's almost over." Remy is doubtful. "You're sure nobody's following us?" Pietro rolls his eyes. "As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways, inconceivable. No one in Guilder knows what we've done. And no one in Florin could have gotten here so fast. Out of curiosity, why do you ask?"

Remy shrugs lightly. "No reason. It's only, I just happened to look behind us, and something is there." Pietro starts and stares at him in shock. "What?" The three of them whirl and look back, and see nothing until the moon breaks through, and Remy is right. A black sailboat with a great black sail looms out on the horizon. Pietro flounders for a logical explanation. "Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night through eel-infested waters." Suddenly they hear a sound from the boat and turn. Raven has jumped out and is swimming away. Pietro starts screaming at the others. "Go in, get after her!" Remy shrugs. "I don't swim." Pietro looks at Fred. "I only dog paddle." Pietro shouts out, "Veer left. Left. Left!" Raven is still swimming when she hears a close-by screech. Raven stops, alarmed, and treads water.

Pietro smirks in delight. "Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are the Shrieking Eels -- if you doubt me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh." Raven remains silent, even though the noises are getting louder. Pietro calls out to her. "If you swim back now, I promise, no harm will come to you. I doubt you will get such an offer from the Eels." Raven is still silent, though clearly terrified, and suddenly something slithers by her. And now an eel has zeroed in on her, and it is circling, and it starts to charge her, mouth wide open and making an awful noise, and right as it's about to clamp down, we hear Hank's voice.

"She doesn't get eaten by the Eels at this time." We are suddenly back in Bobby's room, and Bobby is tightly gripping the sheets, a bit paler than before. "What" he asks. Hank looks over the top of his glasses at him. "The Eel doesn't get her. I'm explaining to you because you looked nervous." Bobby frowns at him. "Well, I wasn't nervous." Hank looks at him disbelievingly. Bobby looks away. "Well, maybe I was a little bit concerned. But that's not the same thing." he insists. Hank nods. "Because I can stop now if you want." Bobby stops him with a hand gesture. "No. You could read a little bit more ... if you want." he says sheepishly. Hank picks up the book again.

"Do you know what that sound is, Highness?" We cut back to Pietro on the boat, but it is Hank's voice coming out of his mouth, signalling that Hank is still reading. "Those are the Shrieking Eels." Bobby cuts in. "We're past that, Grandpa." We see the room again, where Bobby is frowning at Hank. "You read it already." Hank blinks at him. "Oh. Oh my goodness, I did. I'm sorry. Beg your pardon." We cut back to Raven treading water. "All right, all right, let's see. Uh, she was in the water, the Eel was coming after her. She was frightened. The Eel started to charge her. And then..." We see the Eel again, about to bite, when a giant arm pounds its head, knocking it out, and lifts Raven out of the water, depositing her on deck. It belongs, obviously, to Fred. Pietro is dashing about wringing his hands. "Put her down. Just put her down." he orders, then bends down, fussing over her and tying up her hands.

Remy points behind them. "I think he's getting closer." Pietro waves him off. "He's no concern of ours. Sail on!" He turns back to Raven, who is staring at him. "I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?" he asks her. She looks at him scornfully. "Only compared to some." We show the boat in the light of dawn, being followed at great speed by the black boat, captained by a man in black. Remy is staring at him. "Look! He's right on top of us. I wonder if he is using the same wind we are using." Pietro cackles with glee. "Whoever he is, he's too late, see?" He points ahead. "The Cliffs of Insanity." We show the cliffs, looming ominously ahead, incredibly high.

Aria claps her hands enthusiastically. "Wonderful! It's wonderful, ain't it, Missy?" She turns to Chicks, who is asleep in her cup of coffee. "Oh... she fell 'sleep again... Well, I guess I'm endin' today! Please review an' all, an' tell me what ya think! G'bye!" She lifts her sister's hand and waves it, while waving with her other hand.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey, peoples! Ari an' Chicks here! Time fer chapter... Chicks! Chicks, wake up!" Aria shakes her sister violently, and the sleepy Chicks starts. "Vhu... Vhut?" "Time fer chapter 3, sis! C'mon, get up!" She sighs and smacks Chicks with a clipboard. "AUGH!" shrieks Missy. "HELP!" "Action..." says Aria.

* * *

We see the two boats in a wild race for the Cliffs and the Man In Black is closing faster than ever, but not fast enough, the lead was too great to overcome, and as Remy sails with great precision straight at the Cliffs we see the boat being pursued. Pietro is hurriedly trying to prepare to dock. "Hurry up. Move the thing! Um ... that other thing. Move it!" he snaps, then stares back. "We're safe -- only Freddy is strong enough to go up our way -- he'll have to sail around for hours 'til he finds a harbor." There is much activity going on, all of it swift, expert, economical. Freddy reaches up along the Cliff face, grabs a jutting rock, reaches behind it. Suddenly there is a thick rope in his hands. He drops back to the boat, gives the rope a freeing swing and we show the Cliffs, with the rope reaching up to the very top. Remy hurriedly straps Fred into a harness, and the other three get in along with him. He starts to climb slowly.

We show the tops of the Cliffs looking down, and the height is truly dizzying. We can faintly see the group on the rope far, far below. Raven is quaking with fear. Fred climbs on, and they're almost a third of the way done. Suddenly, we see the Man in Black jump to the cliff face from his boat and start climbing. Rapidly. He is quickly gaining on the others. Remy looks down (not a good idea, as he turns rather pale and then looks back up,) and says, "He's climbin' de rope. An' he's gainin' on us." Pietro looks down, seemingly unfazed by the height. "Inconcievable!" He prods Fred, who speeds up. The Man in Black is still cutting sharply into their lead, and Pietro is screeching at Fred. "Faster!" "I thought I was going faster!" groans Fred, hauling himself up over another rock.

Pietro growls at him. "You were supposed to be this colossus. You were this great, legendary thing. And yet he gains." "Well, I'm carrying three people. And he's got only himself." says Fred, obviously not happy with the whining, bratty man prodding him to go faster. "-- I do not accept excuses." cuts in Pietro. He shakes his head sadly. "I'm just going to have to find myself a new giant, that's all." Fred is alarmed and hurt. "Don't say that, Pietro. Please." He begins moving more slowly. The Man in Black is gaining, Fred has only maybe 100 feet to go, and it's a race for the top. "Did I mention your JOB is at stake?" yells Pietro. It's far too close, but Fred finally pulls them all up onto the ledge.

Pietro jumps off and begins cutting at the rope, Remy helps the princess up, and Fred just stands around waiting for orders. There are ruins behind them, once probably a fort, but now almost Stonehenge-like. The Man in Black is almost there, maybe 50 feet to go, when Pietro cuts the last of the rope. It falls over the edge. Fred peers over the edge. "He has very strong arms." he notes, and the others look over. The Man in Black is clinging heroically to the cliff face with his bare hands. "He didn't fall? Inconceivable!!" hisses Pietro. Remy turns to him, bemused. "Y' keep usin' dat word -- I do not t'ink it means what you t'ink it means." He looks back down. "Mon Dieu! He's climbin'!" And as they all look, he is indeed inching his way upwards, an inch or two at a time.

"Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the Princess, and must therefore die." says Pietro simply. He pushes Raven towards Fred. "You, carry her." He turns to Remy. "We'll head straight for the Guilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the sword." Remy nods and thinks for a moment. "I wan' to duel him left-handed." Pietro stomps impatiently. "You know what a hurry we're in." Remy shrugs. "Well, it's de only way I can be satisfied. 'F I use m' right -- tch -- over too quickly." Pietro spins around and starts off screen. "Oh, have it your way." Fred turns to Remy. "You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted." "I'm waiting!" shrills Pietro from offscreen. Fred turns and lumbers after him. We show Remy. He watches his companions depart and then turns back to stare at the Man in Black. He paces for a while, then calls out. "Hello dere." The Man in Black simply grunts and continues climbing. "Slow goin'?" asks Remy. The Man in Black looks up and calls back, "Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks. So I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me." Remy nods. "Sorry, mon ami." "Thank you!" calls the Man in Black. Remy steps back, pulls his sword, and executes a few perfect thrusts, guided by his metal-controlling director. He resheathes and peers over the edge again. "I don' suppose y' could speed t'ings up?" The Man looks up and rolls his eyes (rather like Pietro has every other scene.) "If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope, or a tree branch, or find something useful to do." Remy considers this. "I could do dat. In fact, I got some rope up here. But I don' t'ink dat you will accept m' help, since I am only waitin' 'round to kill y'." "That does put a damper on our relationship." says the Man in Black cordially. He climbs a bit higher. Remy brightens. "But I promise I will not kill y' until y' reach de top." The Man looks back up at him. "That's very comforting. But I'm afraid you'll just have to wait." Remy pouts. "I hate waiting. I could give y' m' word as a Cajun." he offers. "No good. I've known too many Cajuns." grunts the Man, pulling himself up a bit further. He hangs for a minute. "Y' don' know any way y'll trust m'?" calls down Remy, peering at the Man. "Nothing comes to mind." calls the other. At this, Remy raises his right hand up, puts his left over his heart and his voice becomes soulful, determined. "I swear on de soul 'f m' father, Jean-Luc LeBeau, y' will reach de top 'live." There is a long pause, and then the Man in Black calls back up to him. "Throw me the rope."

Remy grabs a rope from behind the rock and hurls it over. The Man catches it and Remy pulls him up. "Thank you." he says, then begins to pull out his sword tiredly. "We'll wait until you're ready." says Remy, waving him back. "Again. Thank you." The Man In Black sits to rest on the boulder that once held the rope. He tugs off his leather boots and is amazed to see several large rocks tumble out. The Man In Black wears gloves. Remy stares at them "I don' mean t' pry, but y' don' by any chance happ'n t' have six fingers on y'r right hand?" The Man is clearly baffled. He shows his hands; perfectly normal. "Do you always begin conversations this way?" Remy smiles sadly. "M' father was slaughtered by a six- fingered man. He was a great swordmaker, m' father. An' when de six-fingered man appeared an' requested a special sword, m' father took de job. He slaved a year 'fore he was done." He hands the sword to the Man in Black, who is obviously impressed as he looks it over. "I have never seen its equal." Remy traces the scars on his cheeks. "Ev'n now, dis still brings pain."

He begins pacing, back and forth along the ledge. "De six-fingered man returned an' demanded it, but at one-tenth 'is promised price. M' father refused. Wit'out a word, de six-fingered man slashed 'im through de heart. I loved m' father, so, nat'rally, challenged 'is murderer t' a duel ... I failed ... de six-fingered man did leave m' alive wit' de six-fingered sword, but 'e gave m' dese." He runs a hand along one scar gently. "How old were you?" asks the Man in Black gently. "I was eleven years ol'. When I was strong enough, I dedicated m' life t' de study 'f fencing. So de nex' time w' meet, I will not fail. I will go up t' de six-fingered man an' say, 'Ello, m' name is Remy LeBeau. Y' killed m' father. Prepare t' die.'" The Man in Black looks impressed. "You've done nothing but study swordplay?" Remy nods at him. "More pursuit den study lately. Y' see, I can' find 'im. 'S been twenty years now. I'm starting t' lose confidence. I jus' work for Pietro t' pay de bills. Dere's not a lot 'f money in r'venge."

The Man stands up and dusts himself off. He hands back the sword. "Well, I certainly hope you find him, someday." He says, nodding slightly. "Y'r ready, den?" The Man smiles warmly. "Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair." Remy seems regretful. "Y' seem a decent fellow. I hate t' kill y'. The Man in Black nods to him. "You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die." Remy unsheathes his sword and calls out, "Begin!" And so begins one of the greatest swordfights in movie history.

* * *

"CUT!" calls Aria. "That's good enough f'r now! I'll let ya have a break while Remy an' th' Man in Black choreograph th' swordfight scene w'th Missy." The groggy Chicks gets up and reaches out sleepily. Aria hands her a large coffee mug. She gulps it down. "Espresso…" she says happily. "Ah… Okay! Let's choreograph zis scene, ja?" She leads the two off, almost skipping. Aria watches them go, then turns around. "Hey wait… Where'd Pietro go w'th Momma?"


End file.
